Sex in Media: Does it Do it for Us?

By Judith Sullivan

The debate about whether or not sex scenes have a place in tv & film has been ongoing for years now. Many have spent five painful minutes with their parents as whines and moans blare from the tv screen, or have perhaps been surprised by a smash cut to a particularly raunchy bedroom scene. Is this a bad thing? Not necessarily. In an era of sexual liberation, we’re free to express our desires in a variety of different mediums. Sex and The City was, and still is, a Bible to many women seeking to find candid (and often comical) discussions about sex. While watching, I couldn’t help but wonder, do we need sex for film or tv to be sexy?

Short answer is no.

I’m beginning to think that men were right (and that’s the only time I’ll ever say that) to be flustered by the mere sight of an ankle in days of old.

What do we as women find sexy in media? And does it always have to be sweaty, pulsing, writhing men?

One excellent example is the famous Mr Darcy hand flex scene in Joe Wright’s adaptation of Pride and Prejudice. Women have been swooning for years over one simple gesture, and rightfully so. We love a brooding, withdrawn man with a secret soft side, especially if said man dons period attire.

Or, perhaps, if you prefer something with more heat, you’ll have been hot under the silks watching Lestat bite into Louis’s neck in Interview With The Vampire. It was sexy, charged, intimate, and absolutely nobody had to be naked.

Perhaps the simple phrase ‘kneel’ speaks to you, and nothing more needs to be said.

I fear we are becoming desensitised to sex. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing — sexual liberation and discussions about sex are absolutely vital, and it gives us a space to unload our desires, but perhaps movies and film are giving us the wrong kind of sex scenes.

Euphoria, for example, bombarded us with unabashed sex scenes constantly, and gave audiences plenty of heart racing material. I’ve spoken before about Fifty Shades of Grey, and how it introduced kink to a much wider audience. Perhaps you’ve seen the trailer for Emerald Fennell’s upcoming adaptation of Wuthering Heights, and you picked up on the absurd sexual overtones. While these examples will certainly do it for a large group of people, I worry that (at the risk of sounding like a prude) we are losing intimacy in favour of wild, thrashing, fast-paced fucks.

There have been several discussions online regarding the idea that everything is sexual, but nothing is sexy. What we are lacking is eroticism, intimacy. Anybody can show us breasts or genitals and say ‘here, isn’t this sexy?’ but it takes someone special to show us none of this and ask the same question. Filmmakers are trying to sell us sex because sex always sells, but sex scenes are becoming a novelty, or something that briefly sets your pulse racing. The taboo is becoming the norm, sex scenes are perfunctory, and nothing is titillating. That's my opinion, anyway.

The reason for all of this? We are not looking for sex. We’re looking for intimacy. Most of the time, sex is best when you truly know a person, and when they know you not only physically but emotionally. That’s why swoon over Mr Darcy, or the corny cardboard confession in Love, Actually, or hearing Cate Blanchett say “What a strange girl you are (…) flung out of space”. We so long to have somebody understand us, to see us, to be tender with us. A sex scene will briefly entertain us, or provide us with trusty wank-bank material, but what really stays with us is the shockingly erotic non-sexual scenes. Scenes of sweet, emotional intimacy.

While I can't speak for everyone and have no intention of doing so, I wanted to give my two cents. Sure, sex scenes are fun, and it’s great that we’re in a place where we can exhibit the more taboo side of things to audiences, but sometimes I feel we need to examine what’s really sexy to us, not just what turns us on. Keep looking for your Mr Darcy hand flex moment — find what sets your soul on fire and hold on tight to it. No amount of full frontal nudity can stop you!