TABOO: What Do Our Kinks Say About Us?

By Anonymous

Content Warning: mentions of rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse.

Kink is more accessible to us now than ever, for better and for worse. Porn is the primary source, and it ranges from bondage to group sex to exhibitionism, giving us access to a myriad of kinky scenarios and fetishes to do with as we please. We see kink in film and literature, both good and bad representations, but many people still feel too ashamed to confess their fantasies. If you’re as neurotic as I am, you’ll have spent plenty of time wondering whether your own thoughts are an accurate indication of your beliefs and views on the world. Mind you, I’m not a ‘sexpert’, and I would consider myself vastly inexperienced compared to plenty of people out there. That being said, I’ll begin.

What do our kinks say about us?

Kink is immensely different in theory or fantasy than it is in practice, and for some people, their private fantasies never manifest into something real. International studies tell us that approximately 45-60% of people are curious about kink or fetish activities, though approximately 20-46% of people actually act on them. There could be many explanations for this, whether it be shame, their particular partner, or even the kink not holding up outside of the privacy of the bedroom.

Media such as Fifty Shades Of Grey introduced BDSM and kink to a wider audience, and perhaps inspired more discussion around kink, but what about the less palatable, more taboo fantasies? And do they tell us anything reliable about ourselves?

A study tells us that 62% of women have had rape fantasies, or forced sex fantasies. It differs from person to person, whether the focus of the fantasy is a stranger, someone they know, or even a group of people. This subject, of course, is incredibly delicate, and therefore a great source of shame for many people. As I previously mentioned, I am by no means a psychologist, and my opinions are merely opinions. That being said, I believe that the reason women are more likely to have these fantasies is because we are taught to be ashamed of our sexuality, and that we must keep it quiet and private. In a scenario or fantasy in which a woman is forced or coerced into sex, she does not have to take responsibility for her own desire. The choice is not hers in this fantasy, and so she is able to project her desire and need onto somebody else. As ironic as it is, these fantasies can be liberating; a woman is able to fantasise without feeling guilty for her sexual desires. Of course, this is only one very psychology-based explanation, and there are plenty of more simple explanations for such fantasies. For one, we may just want to feel utterly, ravenously desired, so much so that our fantasy lovers cannot help themselves. There is admittedly an allure to being overpowered by somebody, if you’re inclined towards submission — it’s primal, and sexy, and it ties in nicely with the idea of somebody wanting you so completely that they cannot control their actions.

Considering this from a different point of view, these rape fantasies could very well be a way for women to process the effects of misogyny that we experience every day. In these fantasies, we are able to control what happens, and we have full control. More often than not, we don’t get to decide what men say or think about us, nor are we able to stop the wolf whistles or lecherous stares. In the safety of our minds, we are able to call the shots, and give ourselves some semblance of ownership over our bodies. In a world in which women and queer people’s bodies are so openly debated and discussed, we permit ourselves these small moments of fantasy. Perhaps the fantasy appeals to people not because it takes away our autonomy, but because it grants us the autonomy we so long for.

But does this make people with these fantasies bad people? I wouldn’t say so. While it's perhaps more common for people with a history of sexual abuse or assault to use these fantasies as a coping mechanism, it certainly doesn’t mean that people unaffected by these topics are barred from this fantasy. Some would say that this is harmful, and that engaging in such fantasies or roleplays will negatively impact a person. However, experts would argue that it’s perfectly normal and perhaps even beneficial, especially to victims as a way of managing their trauma; they are able to take back control and explore their feelings safely. Putting these fantasies in action is perfectly acceptable, even cathartic, as long as there are limits and a firm safe word. Exploring this kink in a controlled and safe environment does not mean that you are a misogynist, nor do you actively want to be raped. It is, in fact, the complete opposite. In these scenarios, you are in conscious and complete control. You are not morally wrong or disturbed for having these fantasies, because at the end of the day, it’s fantasy.

I believe that there is an explanation for many ‘taboo’ kinks, and we are conditioned to feel shame and guilt about them. For example, forms of CGL or DD/LG are seen as taboo and are heavily criticised. In reality, this kink boils down to a desire to be taken care of or to be able to surrender everyday responsibilities. It’s a relationship or fantasy centred heavily around trust, and allowing oneself to feel completely comfortable with their partner. Undoubtedly there are dubious aspects to both kinks or fantasies I’ve mentioned, but this does not make them morally repugnant. More often than not, there is a solid psychological explanation for any sort of fantasy. The same rules apply to fantasies involving weapons such as knives or guns, or perhaps people having an interest in roleplaying as stepdaughters, stepfathers or anything of this nature. While the concept in real life would be dubious, if not outright illegal, our kinks and fantasies allow us to explore privately and safely. Just because it’s taboo doesn’t mean it’s inherently bad. As with anything in life, too much of something can be a curse — there will always be people who bring a bad name to certain fantasies, kinks and desires. People push boundaries or allow their interests to leave the bedroom in a dangerous way, but for the majority this is not the case.

I struggle immensely with OCD, specifically intrusive thoughts, and so practically any perverse thought I have sends me spiralling. It’s a blessing and a curse. It gives me space to critically reflect on topics like this, and I’m able to dissect my desires and understand which part of my life I need to nurture. Fantasies, fetishes and kinks can be immensely liberating, and they can provide us with the space we need to learn more about ourselves. They don’t need to be outlandish or unusual — it can be as simple as a spanking. The more we learn about our bodies and our desires, the better we know ourselves and the more fulfilling sex can be, even if you incorporate kink once in a blue moon. There is no shame in figuring out what gets you there, and there is no shame in talking about it.

I believe that as long as everything is legal, nobody is hurt, and it makes you feel good, you should not feel guilty about your desires. You are not morally corrupt or eternally doomed, and there’s no reason to spiral. You are human, and you are complex, and kink should be embraced in all its wonderful and weird forms.